i have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but it has always seemed so massive that i have shyed away from doing so. however, tonight as i stay up stressed about my baby's oncoming cold listening to every breath he takes (every move he makes- name that song), i figure this is probably the best time to do it.
when i was pregnant i talked to a mother of a 9 month old at church. she told me that being a new mom had a steep learning curve. i, of course, agreed and thought i understood- but really i think it was impossible for me to comprehend just what she meant until i started going through it.
i knew my life would change drastically when i had jay. i just had no idea how much my thoughts would change. i'm kind of an obsessive person as it is, so having one thing to obsess about all day every day kind of comes naturally to me. and i definitely am obsessed. in the best and worst ways possible. for example- these are the thoughts that are running through my head at any given second:
how did i get the best baby in the world? why isn't everyone as obsessed with my baby as i am? what was that noise he just made- i should google 'newborn sqeaking noises'. is he getting enough to eat? am i overfeeding him? how do i know if i'm making enough milk? that's a lot of poop- is it the right consistency? oh my gosh he's so freaking adorable. am i interacting with him enough? am i holding him enough? he hasn't had enough tummy time today- oh wait he hates tummy time. i should try to force him to do it. i can't handle him crying any longer i'm picking him up. how many times has he eaten today? how many times has he pooped today? is he gassy? why is he fussing? what do i need to cut out of my diet? how did jarman and i create something so freaking cute? should i be putting him on a sleep schedule? i kind of hate schedules- that sounds hard! should i wake him up to eat- has it been too long? etc.
but always, always, always... i love him so much.
while my anxious thoughts about my newborn float around in my head, behind it all is gratitude. i am so grateful that jarman and i had the ability to even have a baby at all. i'm grateful that he's healthy. grateful that i get to stay home and be with him all day every day. grateful that he has such an awesome and helpful dad. grateful that we have family so close. grateful that we live in san diego where we can take him to the beach in january. grateful that he has filled us with so much more love that we ever even imagined.